day-after blues.

November 7, 2006

self-esteem has been a problem for me for quite a while. i remember my mum trying to teach me – in a classroom-type setting – how to assert myself. unfortunately, this backfires, as did much of her so-called discipline. i should probably should call these lectures “the pravda sessions” in hindsight.

i’ve never been completely satisfied with my physical appearance. no, at times, i’ve been very unhappy with myself. i’m not a tall person, nor am i particularly broad-shouldered. my skin is uneven. i grind my teeth. the hair on my face does not grow well; i often have ingrown hairs after i shave, resulting in a much-too-late relapse of teenage woe.

in addition, i’m weird. i’m obsessed with public transit. i like strange movies, even though i don’t go to see strange movies very often. i truly enjoy jazz and chinese food, which, apparently, are not popular among people that i know. my political opinions are mostly mainstream, but there is a definite slant to the left, which puts me in a strange position sometimes.

i’m self-critical. i’m scared easily. i don’t want to be rejected. i don’t want to have to deal with the stigma of rejection. this is why i can’t go up to someone in a social situation and simply say “hello, how are you?”

saturday night comes. i’m tempted to go out by some friends. i decide to accept, figuring i have nothing better to do.

before i go out, i usually make sure to complete my pre-drink rituals, which involves plenty of time in front of the bathroom mirror. tonight, however, i figure that i’ll shower and shave and that that will be the end of it. i get dressed and meet chris to go out.

we’ve selected the odyssey ’cause it’s fairly cheap and moderately sleazy. celebrities isn’t really my thing…even though i’ve worked there and, as such, get in immediately for free. only problem is that the odyssey is dead tonight, it’s pissing rain and we’ve already paid our cover.

we have a few run-ins with crazy cokeheads. after we get informed of how great it is to live in vancouver by an overweight, sweating man who is incapable of making eye contact, we figure it’s best to drink up and go.

celebrities is packed. chris and i have a few, walk around, the usual. it’s time for us to get a second drink before we start dancing. as we walk to the bar, however, my jaw drops. without a doubt, the most beautiful guy in the bar is dancing in front of me. unpretentious, confident, attractive, youthful. i barely remember that we’re in line to order; i’m bumped back into reality by the patron behind me.

i’ll spare the details; they’re really only special to me. eventually i introduce myself, kiss him and bring him home. all the things that i felt when i first saw him were sustained. i don’t think i’ll ever forget that night; he’s exactly the kind of guy that i want to know, one who is, in a word, sweet.

he lives in victoria and will soon be calling the road his home. we spent sunday together; i saw him again today. might see him again on monday. i really hope so.

although i know that it would be unrealistic to pursue a future with him, i enjoy entertaining the thought that maybe this feeling is distantly related to love. maybe.

and all for being confident. perhaps virgil was right; perhaps fortune does indeed favour the brave.


One Response to “day-after blues.”

  1. Charles Says:

    Sounds like fun. I can’t say Vancouver’s been quite so kind to me yet though. Le sigh.

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