“aux armes, citoyens!”

November 11, 2006

maybe i’m being my usual paranoid self. maybe i’m acting on logic for a change.

chad has an ex-partner in victoria. they were together for a couple of years. they only broke up a month or two ago. he told me about this the morning after he came home with me. he says that they hadn’t seen each other for about a month before he came to vancouver. understandably, there are a lot of feelings and emotions that are unresolved between him and trevor. that, he told me, was the likely reason why he was a bit distant toward me.

now, this blog isn’t about him. it’s about me. i’m trying to keep it above the level of selfishness, delusional grandeur and personal tears, but i figure that i’m allowed a smidgen of self-indulgence.

i have two questions to ask. both of them relate to patterns that i’ve noticed in myself.

firstly, why are my chief enemies that sibling duo of time and space (or, to be more specific, timing and distance)? i seem to have a habit of meeting wonderful people who are only here on vacation, who are just here for a limited period of time, who have just broken up with someone or are currently with someone (not that i’m a willing home-wrecker). in short, these people who pique my interest are never available in more than a limited capacity. are these people drawn to me somehow? or is it the other way around? is it me who is drawn to them? and why is this?

secondly, and perhaps more importantly, it seems to be that most people my age have had at least one deep, serious relationship by now. others tend to have a degree of conjugal stability that is absent in me. andrew and mirko have done it. morgan and greg have done it. sean and dwayne have done it. i’m jealous – i can’t lie about that – but i’m not resentful. my question has nothing to do with any fault of mine. instead, i ask what the difference is between them and me.

my desires notwithstanding, i must remember that i’m moving to paris in eight weeks. i don’t have the luxury of starting something with someone now. to do so would be recklessly irresponsible to some poor gent’s feelings (and, to a lesser extent, my own).

andrew says that i’m certain to meet a beau in france. unfortunately, i’m almost guaranteed to be continuing the pattern. a year is a long time, just as a year is very, very short.

that is, of course, if french bureaucracy doesn’t drive me completely insane before i even get to their border.

if there’s one thing i hate, it’s having my life in limbo. tragedy, while tragic, is manageable. coasting with the stick in neutral is not.

goddamned nanterre. i need my acceptance letter.


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