in one’s lifetime…

January 17, 2007

there are a few special people i know that i sincerely admire. they’ll never hear me admit this to their faces, but their presence simultaneously fills me with fear and delight. they’re too good for me, much too good. i wish that i could someday return the favour; as much as they would say that i’m great/fine/whatever, i’ll always know that i could never challenge them on anything of much significance.

i’m getting together with one of them this week. as much as i’m excited to see him, i’m shaking, nauseous as i write this. tears are welling up; i can feel them. i could barely dial his number on the telephone tonight. funny, then, the fact that this is only the fourth time we’ll have seen each other in person.

in the past, i’ve wanted to become involved with some of these people. unfortunately for me, i’ve managed to sabotage these foetal relationships. so, i don’t think i’d ever be so lucky to find that in a life partner; even if i did, i could never sustain it. they would never love me in the way that i would love them; they would inadvertently destroy me simply by being themselves.

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