on the topic of a particular individual.

May 7, 2007

[note: the names in this post have been changed.]

since this chapter is hardly likely to see the public light of day anytime soon, i’m going to take the opportunity to be as self-indulgent as i can.

this was recently triggered by an e-mail i received from matthew sellers, a friend and an old crush, prefaced by a single interrogation mark:

i learned today that matthew is, in fact, into boys. makes me feel very, very sad. worthless! i could blame the failure of that whole exercise on his reluctance to kiss another guy. or something along those lines. but no! he’s going out with some flamey loser. what the fuck? i wish i could write more, but i have to run. before i leave, however, i should really say that there are a few people in this city that should really learn to be more considerate:

– morgan christian
– matthew sellers

i know that sex isn’t entitled to anyone, but really guys…could you have at least been a little more honest? that’s all i really ask for.

some people, however, should really go fuck themselves with driftwood.

i was pretty confused at first, wondering why on earth he was referring to himself in the first person. and then, the horror sunk in: those words were mine, published quietly online. i replied to him quickly:

dear matthew,

you found something that i wrote a long, long time ago when i was not quite myself. in addition, i figure that you read more of my old blog than just that one posting.

so, now i guess i have some explaining to do.

you probably think me crazy now. some type of weirdo. and, to a degree, you’re right: i’m likely one of the brighter fools you’ll meet.

i remember how everything occurred when we met: first, you came in to the bar at which i worked, and we were briefly introduced. some weeks later, we bumped into each other at the odyssey. that night, you and i cobbled together a conversation that left a significant impression on me. very quickly, i developed a huge crush on you. i was very glad to have met you (and still am), but, at the time, i also felt really sad because i felt you out of my league, much too good for me.

so that’s why at the end of the night, as we went our separate ways, i said “i guess i’ll see you around.” you, however, replied “when will i see you next?”

even later that night, with your phone number in hand, i recall entering the elevator in my apartment, watching the door shutting and banging on the walls of the car in frustration. i told myself over and over that i was simply getting my hopes up for no reason.

of course, you called me about three minutes later and asked me for my mailing address. i was really puzzled by this: could my feelings possibly have been correct? and then, a few days later, i get your geary postcard in my mailbox. i’m sure you can guess how i felt.

i went away for a coupla weeks, and came back, and we went for a bite to eat and a beer, and then we came back to my place (on a side-note, i’m sorry that you had to see that disgusting hole of a place that i called home). after some pot-laced conversation, i remember that we got very close to one another and even touched our foreheads together. i guess if i had been in my right head, i would have asked if i could kiss you. but instead of this, i drew away from you, made up the sofa for you to sleep on, and retired – because the demons in my head had convinced me that i was still getting my hopes up and that if i held any kind of chance with you, i shouldn’t rush into things too quickly.

you were gone by morning. we’d made a plan to get together sometime or other. but you had to cancel. and that was okay. but then you cancelled again. and again. and eventually, i got an e-mail from you that said that you really needed to focus on your studies. after that, i figured that i had been right from the first minute – that you were too good to be true.

now, here’s where i became irresponsible: months later, a friend of mine said that you had been going out with someone of which he generally disapproved. as i had written, it made me feel pretty bad. so, based on this hearsay, i wrote what you read. i never expected anyone to ever find it, least of all you. obviously, i wasn’t thinking properly.

that chapter of my life was a difficult one. i was fighting off a pretty heavy spell of depression and lack of self-worth. in retrospect, i was probably pretty miserable to be around!

when i suggested that you should be more considerate, at the time, i really felt that i had been led-on a good deal. i was upset, you see, and felt deeply hurt. just to clarify, though, neither you, nor morgan, were the one to whom the driftwood comment was directed.

my feelings notwithstanding, it was wrong of me to publish what i did. i had made an assumption that you were into guys. in hindsight, all the evidence of this was circumstantial. even today, i don’t know with any certainty if you like girls, guys, both or neither. at this point, however, it hardly matters.

i cannot ask you for your forgiveness for feeling the way that i did, but i do hope that you can forgive me for making what may or may not be private and/or incorrect information public and for slandering your name. betrayal carries a sharp edge, and i can only imagine what you must have felt when you learned that i was the author of the posting. i will remove it from the web as soon as i can.

i sent you a postcard in the mail the other day; it should arrive in the coming week. i hope that you will receive it with no contempt for me.

i recognize that your discovery of this is likely to complicate our friendship. i put this behind me quite a while ago; i hope that you will do this as well.

you’re an exceptional human being and i am very proud and thankful to know you, however distantly.

humbly and sincerely, from your friend,

m.

ps. what i wrote you in the postcard still stands, perhaps even more now than before.

his reply was the very definition of succinct:

Ok so I recieved your postcard today, thank you very
much.

About this whole situation, I just needed sometime to
be bitter about it, I hope you undestand.

From my point of view, just so we are clear, I was
intersted in you back then, that night at your place
told me you weren’t interested in me. I was truly busy
busy after said event (as is known to happen to me)
but I did stop trying.

The biggest issue I had is that I was experiencing
something very familiar to me at the time; a
relationship that appears to be one way and turns out
to be very different. We were completely different via
email then what we were in person. I couldn’t handle
this and backed off.

I also don’t want this to happen again so would rather
not have too much contact between us. I don’t mean to
be too harsh, but would you take me off your big email
list? Will this get me a spot on the next blog? Just
joking, I hope that is clear.

Eventhough I was hurt by being told (by an old friend
who found it) that there was this thing out there
about me that I was not only shocked by, but disagreed
with and hurt by, I am not mad mad and can still joke
about it.

I know that you are a different person now, very well
proven by the perspective of the reply you sent me, I
would just rather move on in our seperate ways.
enjoy Paris, I am really enjoying Toronto.

Matthew

i had completely forgotten that that goddamn post existed. i should never have posted it; christ, that blog had so little traffic, i’m surprised that he managed to find it.

the story i wrote is true (from my perspective, at least). for a long, long time i was genuinely crushed by matthew’s rejection…and, to a degree, still am. only now, it’s for a different reason – ’cause now i realize that i did have a chance, but squandered it.

i’m quite upset – not visibly, though, and certainly not at matthew. moreso, i’m upset at the whole situation and my own complicity in it. but that’s okay. regret is natural, and i’m doing my best to learn from it.

in any case, as fun as it is to play this piece of drama over and over again in my head, the plain reality is that this fiasco changes virtually nothing between him and i.

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