insomnia, part iii.

September 29, 2008

i haven’t had a lot of time to think about being creative. i’m surrounded by books, tubes of paint, sketchbooks, canvasses, unfinished manuscripts…and all i can think about is how to make sure things run smoothly at school. it’s a bit of a sad situation, that all that energy is going nowhere, but i have little choice these days: it would seem that all i can do is think about school and its related endeavours.

the house is a mess, i’m behind in my readings, i have shite to do all week and my internal sleep clock is out of whack.

enjoyed (read: wasted) today out in the sunshine. walked from home with steph to yaletown, where we got a bit drunk before sunset at section 3. reminded me of a time – i wasn’t there – that alx told me about a long time ago.

the waiter was a charming man in his late twenties. tall, bespectacled, simply-yet-well-dressed, with a handsome, solid face. he knew what his job was: convince us to buy more and more liquor from him. he accomplished his goal without too much of a struggle from my part. but here’s the sad bit. this is what i told steph. this is the kind of guy that i pine over. all the time. the beautiful ones. and they’re either all straight or they can do better than me. yeah, sure, i get attention from time to time, but it’s not usually from guys that i’m exactly dying to date.

so what do i do? go and sculpt myself to death at the gym? maybe that will help some. but still, that leaves me as a weirdo – though not a loser – someone who just doesn’t get the whole social…thing. after the july 27 incident, where i somehow – and this is so perplexing to me that it hurts to even think about it – screw up so royally by being myself, i doubt now that there’s any hope for me beyond the occasional one-night stand.

the next time i dig a guy, i’m going to remember to be a jerk for my own sake.


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